I have had a number of enquiries about John Horde, B! Offline's star "Lord of the Rings" on-set reporter. John is, understandably, very busy but I managed to take him away from his normal duties chronicling the filming of Peter Jackson's epic to give me an exclusive interview.
Jimcalagon: Well John, thankyou for taking some time out from your busy schedule to talk to me and, hopefully, answer some of the fans' questions..
JH: It's my pleasure, Jim.
Jimcalagon: John, you are rightly famed for the eloquence of your prose but I think most of the fans are more interested in the actual news itself. How does that make you feel?
JH: I have been trying my best to get the real inside gossip on these movies for all the fans out there but, you know, it's like a real security type thing on the set. As long as I get paid at the end of the month, who cares?
Jimcalagon: Right. The biggest question I have, which will surely be echoed by many fans out there is, "How do you get a job like that?!?"
JH: (Laughs) Well, a lot of it is luck. Up until last Christmas, I was working in the B! Offline office as a tea-boy. Rumours were circulating that we were going to sign a big deal with New Line to cover the movie but the features staff wanted someone who would be 100% credible with the fans and didn't have anyone with enough Tolkien knowledge. I had a quiet word in the right ears and mentioned that I was a Tolkien expert and knew all about Hobbits and Pixies and stuff and Hey Presto! I got the job.
Jimcalagon: Oh, so you were a Tolkien fan before you got the job?
JH: Oh yes, I must have watched that movie about four or five times and, when I found out that there was going to be a live-action remake, I was absolutely knocked out!
Jimcalagon: The Bakshi movie?
JH: What?
Jimcalagon: The animated version directed by Ralph Bakshi?
JH: Yes, I think that was the guy's name.
Jimcalagon: And you were a fan of the books as well, obviously.
JH: Well, when I got the job, I did some research and discovered that this Doctor Tolkien guy had written the novelisation of the movie. I managed to find a copy and started to read it but what a disappointment! He managed to screw up all sorts of things. He put in all sorts of extra scenes and characters. I think the worst one was a character called Bombadil, some wierd hippy who lived in the middle of a forest and went about singing to trees and watching the Hobbits dance naked and stuff. I mean, this book really detracted from the movie and I think that Tolkien must have been paid by the word, know what I mean?
Jimcalagon: I understand that you always carry a copy of the book with you?
JH: Yes, here it is
(He produces a battered, dog-eared copy of "The Lord Of The Rings" from his briefcase)
Jimcalagon: I can see that you must have gotten a lot of use out of it.
JH: Well, I am only five foot one tall so I find that it comes in handy to stand on in supermarkets when I am trying to reach stuff from the top shelf.
Jimcalagon: Now, on to the films themselves. Do you have any big surprises for the fans? Any big spoilers?
JH: You know, I'm really not supposed to give out any secrets but... well I don't suppose that one or two will matter. The main thing is that Peter Jackson has taken quite a few liberties with the original source material.
Jimcalagon: Are you referring to the "Arwen situation"?
JH: Err, no, I was talking about the Elves. Peter Jackson has got it into his head that Elves should be as tall as normal people, not little people. So you have got the farcical situation of all these big six-foot guys walking around in striped tights and wearing pointy hats with bells on.
Jimcalagon: Have you met Peter Jackson?
JH: I've seen him a couple of times on the set. He is always incredibly busy, surrounded by about a dozen Hollywood execs in suits screaming things like "But what's the demographic?" and "Why isn't Arwen in this scene?". Despite that, he's always calm and good humoured, except for that time when he impaled Michael DeLuca on a sort of big spiked wheel.
Jimcalagon: Is Peter popular with the cast?
JH: Yes, they all love him. They quite often joke with him and say that he is a Hobbit.
Jimcalagon: Really? I suppose that this is because he understands the characters so well?
JH: No, it's because he's three foot tall and lives in a burrow.
Jimcalagon: I see. Now, what can you tell us about Liv Tyler?
JH: Ah, the beautiful Liv. She has become a national obsession with fan clubs springing up all over New Zealand. People here worship her and impromptu shrines have been set up in most town centres for the public to put their offerings on. There have been four or five well documented cases of people with serious illnesses being cured when they touched her prosthetics. I've got a room at home covered with pictures of her and I go there and sit staring at them for hours, thinking...
But, you know, she is just an ordinary girl doing an extraordinary job. She works so hard, riding and doing all that martial arts stuff with nunchuks. She is putting 100% into the part but she also knows when to relax. As soon as filming is over, the crew bring the block and tackle to lift her off her horse and she runs over to the catering truck.
Jimcalagon: So she eats with the rest of the crew?
JH: No, she's got her own catering truck. Although... well, she won't mind me telling you, she won $200 last week in a competition with all the stage hands to see who could eat the most pickled eggs in ten minutes. The crew were really proud of her.
Jimcalagon: What do you think of the fans' reaction to the stories that Peter Jackson has expanded Liv's part into some kind of warrior princess?
JH: Well, you know, who cares about some long-haired sandal wearing freaks with nothing better to do
than whine on the internet about "Arwen this" and "Wormtongue that"? Look at it this way, Peter Jackson has paid a lot of money for the rights, its his movie, he can do what he wants. If you don't like it, don't go to see it. Movies and books are different mediums.
Jimcalagon: Media.
JH: Yes, the media have got to take some of the blame too. And you know, there are only three female characters in the entire trilogy, if you can believe it, so the script writers have got to enlarge their roles. Everyone's right behind Liv. Especially when the canteen opens.
Jimcalagon: What have you learned most from this experience?
JH: I have learned a lot but the thing that will stick with me is something a very experienced journalist told me, "In journalism you need to avoid cliches like the plague"
Jimcalagon: Thank you John, and now I'll let you get back to the vital business of giving all the world's Tolkien fans their monthly fix of insider information.
JH: Thank you Jimcalagon!