BERTHA: I have chosen to speak with you Barad because I need you to help me defend Peter against those terrible accusations. 

B.N: Thank you. 

BERTHA: No, thank you B.N. Peter is a nice boy. I promised I would keep quiet but those rude people have gone too far with their accusations, I have to speak out. 

B.N: What accusations? 

BERTHA: That Arwen is being turned into Xena Warrior Princess. 

B.N: That's not true? 

BERTHA: Peter is a nice boy. I bring him a cup of Earl Grey Tea because he likes Earl Grey tea and he always stops what he's doing, looks up and says; "Oh Bertha, you've brought me a cup of Earl Grey Tea, how sweet of you" and then he gives me that wonderful smile of his. After that I just sail through the rest of the day. 

B.N: So there is no truth in the accusations? 

BERTHA: Well Xena's not the marrying kind is she? But after Arwen has run her sword through the army of bad guys she settles down to married life. Xena would never do that. 

B.N: Can I ask you Bertha, have you ever read The Lord Of The Rings? 

BERTHA: Oh I have, Peter gives me parts of the script to read and asks me what i think of it. He always wants my opinion on how the story should go. 

B.N: So there have been some changes? 

BERTHA: Oh yes, he made a big mistake employing his first scriptwriter. That's the only criticism I've ever had of Peter. He was an English fellow called Tolkien, wrote all sorts of rubbish, I never actually saw him but once Peter took my advice and kicked him off the scriptwriting team the story improved immeasurably. 

B.N: You said Tolkien? Yes, I've heard of him. But the story is improved, you say? 

BERTHA: Yes, but it'll be even better when I've convinced Peter to include the Viking longboat love scene between Aragorn and Arwen. I know he'll come around because Peter's a nice boy, a very, very nice boy. 

B.N: The Viking longboat love scene? 

BERTHA: Yes, after Arwen has slaughtered the army of bad guys in the Shire she sails from the Grey Havens in a Viking longboat in search of Aragorn. Meanwhile Aragorn is rescued from the Dark Tower on an island in the River Anduin by Hercules. Hercules loans his Viking longboat to Aragorn so he can search for Arwen. At last their boats approach each other with Arwen and Aragorn at the prow of each longboat, looking longingly at each other. 

B.N: And then what happens? 

BERTHA: A giant octopus appears between them and grabs them with its tentacles. But Arwen slashes the tentacle holding Aragorn and Aragorn slashes the tentacle holding Arwen and they fall into each other's arms. I challenge anyone to say that you'll find that in Xena Warrior Princess. Peter says there's no octopus in the script but he's a bit slow some times, he just needs to add one and its there - simple. 

B.N: I'll have to re-read the LOTR. There seem to be some parts I've missed. 

BERTHA: There's still a lot of the out-of-date copies circulating; they should all be disregarded, those old copies will confuse the public terribly when the movie comes out. 

B.N: Oh. 

BERTHA: Sorry, would you like a cup of Earl Grey Tea?