Barad Nimras has contacted us from the shores of Beleriand with another scoop. It looks as though Peter Jackson has opted for a musical version of The Lord Of The Rings.
This is the big one Jim. The scoop of the century. The world's biggest
companies will be clamouring to buy advertising space on your site when they
see the response to this world- beating scoop.
LOTR ROCK CONCERT MUSICAL JOURNEY ROAD TRIP
While other LOTR sites endlessly recycle rumour after rumour Barad_Nimras,
named for a watchtower in Middle Earth, brings all-original news to the site
CNN can no longer ignore: Jimcalagon The Red's LOTR Site.
STATEMENT OF AUTHENTICITY: This is bloody true.
Even John Horde sometimes gets his LOTR rock facts mixed up but not this guy.
Elvis Presley has already confirmed the following:
Fellowship of the Ring hobbits; Frodo, Sam, Bubble and Squeak are to be played
by four-piece rock band U2. Lead singer Bono, who plays Frodo, describes the
movie as a musical journey from the darkness of the blues into the light of
rock and roll redemption. Of his stunt double, Elijah Wood, Bono says that he
is so impressed with Elijah's abilities that he will be offered a roll leaping
off the stage into the crowd at U2 concerts.
The artist formerly known as Cat Stevens is dusting off his hippie gear and
tuning up his guitar to play hippie peacenik naturechild Tom Bombadil.
Aragorn will be played by the lead singer of German heavy metal band The
Scorpions, known only as "you ask my name again I'll smash your head in," (I think it was actually Michael Schenker - Jimcalagon) the
popular singer has the role of Arwen's ex-boyfriend.
Arwen's role will be filled by (I will love again even if it takes a lifetime)
Lara Fabian (Who? - Jimcalagon) who takes a shine to Frodo and joins Gollum in stalking the fellowship.
Tina Turner will make a cameo appearance to sing "Rivendell Deep, Mountain
High" as the fellowship travel from Rivendell to the Misty Mountains.
Midnight Oil's lead singer, Peter Garrett will be an anti-mining dwarf in the
Mines of Moira. Peter will speak to the fellowship on why Balrogs are just
one of the dangers inherent in uranium mining.
Michael Jackson will play evil Queen Galadriel, an Elven Queen with an
unhealthy interest in hobbits.
Good Queen Beruthiel, played by Alanis Morrisette, will seek to help the
fellowship by entering Mordor and seducing Sauron.
Most controversial choice is Mariah Carey over Britney Spears for the role of
Gandalf but Mariah has vigourously defended the choice: "Young women are
looking for a non-smoking, clean-shaven role model with more than three
top-ten hits to her name."
As Bob Dylan stands on the walls of the City of Gondor and sings 'All along
the Watchtower" the fellowship will enter the city behind the Olympic torch.
Saruman will be played by Meatloaf who will sing "Bat out of Hell" as
relaxation from whipping the slaves in his Orthanc motorbike factory.
Elvis Presley will be Sauron. Speaking from Honolulu Presley says that ever
since he saw the Sex Pistols performing live in 1977 he's wanted to take on
the role of a real bad b*****d in a movie. After a considerable time out of
the public spotlight LOTR offers me the perfect comeback vehicle." Presley
says he has been practising a new, punk version of "Suspicious Minds" for the
movie.
The Sex Pistols, featuring the Spice Girls, are saddling up to play the
Ringwraiths.
If anyone has a problem with this get over it. This three-hour rock movie is
coming to a theatre near you in Dolby Stereo soon.