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Hello, here, media expert on Peter Johnson's "Lords of the Ring" movies. One of my valued contacts in New Zealand has given me some incredible news which confirms long standing rumours; Sauron will appear in person in The Return of the King, the third film of the trilogy, having taken physical form once again. And who better to play Sauron than the bat-munching heavy rock star, Oswald "Ozzie" Osbourne? The Black-Country singer turned Black Tower despot is a cousin of one of the film's producers, Barrie Osbourne and was asked to play the part early this year during his sell-out tour of New Zealand. In scenes recently filmed, viewers will see the interior of the Dark Tower and Sauron's preparations for his army's final assault upon the world of men. In a special exclusive to this site we can present an except from the shooting script for the scene in Sauron's Mordor HQ! Read it quickly - no doubt Peter Jenkins' lawyers will be down on us like a ton of hot bricks before long...
Scene - Barad Dur, Exterior. Sweeping camera shot from the base of the tower rising quickly to a large window near the summit. The camera enters through the window to reveal a large chamber, with black stone walls, burning braziers, etc. From a side room, a tall, armour-clad figure enters. He walks slowly with an uncertain gait to the centre of the chamber and looks around him, with an air of bewilderment. He is SAURON, the Lord of the Ring SAURON - Bloody hell, what's been going on here? Where is everyone when you f***ing need them? Shauron? Where the f*** has she got to? (Bellows) Shauron? SHAURON! SHAURON enters from a side door. She is a female orc with spiky black hair and a shrill voice. SHAURON - Yes, what is it? SAURON - Where's me bloody mace? I just put it down in here ten f***ing minutes ago and now it's gone! If those kids have been messing with it I'll bloody kill 'em! SHAURON - Have you looked behind the sofa? Anyway, what do you want that for? SAURON - It's those f***ing idiots next door! Marching up and down, blowing trumpets and what have you all hours of the day and night. I'll give them the horn of bloody Gondor, I'll shove it up their f***ing arses! I didn't sleep a f***ing wink last night! SHAURON (exasperated)- Look, I have told you and told you - I'm sorting it out! Those pirate blokes are coming in from Pelargir next week to get the job done. Why don't you f***ing listen? SAURON - All right, keep your hair on, for Christ's sake! Is the tower finished yet? SHAURON - Yes, we ran out of black paint though so the top bit is blue. SAURON - Blue? BLUE? You're pulling my f***ing leg aren't you? Blue? I'm supposed to be the Prince of F***ing Darkness! I can't live in a blue f***ing tower! It's "Barad Dur" not "Barad f***ing Luin". Why don't you just paint it f***ing pink? F***ing Hell! SHAURON - Oh relax, it's dark blue - no-one will know the difference in this light. SAURON - Well I'll bloody notice! Who's going to take me f***ing seriously now? Even f***ing Saruman has got a black tower but no, you've got to paint ours bloody blue! Have you tied a f***ing big pink ribbon around the top as well? SHAURON - (exasperated again) You're just being stupid now. SAURON - Me stupid? You're the one who painted the "Dark Tower" blue. The dark blue f***ing tower! F***ing hell! SAURON walks haltingly across the room, bends down and reaches behind the sofa with his right hand. SAURON - Oh bollocks, I keep f***ing forgetting about that. SAURON raises his right hand which, we can see, has no fingers attached to it. He then reaches down with his trembling left hand and picks up his 'lost' mace. His hand is still trembling as he picks the mace up. SAURON - Who the f*** put this down here? SHAURON - It was probably you. SAURON bends down slowly and looks closely at the sofa SAURON - Oh for f***'s sake!!! Has Angmar been in here? His fell beast has pissed all over the f***ing sofa again! I'll cut its f***ing head off if I get hold of it! |
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