Greetings surfer-san. I am Celeborn, Samurai Elf-King and Winja Grand Master. To aid Jimcalagon in his quest for the latest and most accurate news on Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings movies I have employed my superbly honed winjitsu skills to infiltrate the movie sets. Last week, I managed to gain access to Peter Jackson's trailer and struck gold - top secret briefing memos waiting to be posted to Michael deLuca at New Line.

It hasn't been widely reported but, in an effort to increase the number of women in the audience, Peter Jackson is introducing another female character and another love story, meaning some slight changes to the storyline.

You may have noticed the recent casting announcements of the actors playing Hama And Ugluk. However, the story synopsis prepared for the New Line execs details the changes PJ is planning to make...

Ugluk will be a cute little Orclette who's eyes meet Hama's across the battlefield at Helm's Deep. She falls instantly and desperately in love with him and fights her way to her love through the host of sweating Uruks, just in time to save him from being pulped by a hill troll standing unseen behind him.

Hama sees past her slavering jowls and curved fangs to see the 'real' Ugluk and he too falls in love. They fight, side by side, until Rohan wins the day. After the battle, despite the jeers from the soldiers of Rohan and Gandalf's disapproval, they are married before the Gates of The Hornburg. Ugluk repents of her orcish ways and joins the host of the Rohirrim in answering the summons of the Red Arrow.

However, on the ride to Minas Tirith, they stop by a stream to eat some ridiculously long sandwiches. Suddenly a kraken, fleeing from the gates of Moria, reaches from the stream, siezes Ugluk and drags her to a watery demise.

Overcome with Grief, Hama becomes a berserker. Vowing vengeance on Sauron, who bred the Kraken from a cocoon, he rides ahead to the Morannon with Merry as a passenger. Unfortunately, they arrive there alone, two weeks before the armies of the West, just in time to meet the Orc armies on their way to Gondor. Hama manages to defeat a battalion of Orcs before his sword breaks on the plate armour fused to the chest of a particularly large Orc. Valiantly he struggles on, using Merry as a club.

Just when all seems lost, Gandalf arrives on the back of Radagast the King of the Eagles and whisks Hama and Merry back to the houses of healing where they discover that Ugluk didn't die - the shock of being pulled into the water by the Kraken forced her DNA to revert back to its original Elvish state and she was suddenly transformed into a beautiful Elf-maiden.

After a mitochondrial DNA analysis, Gandalf discovers that Ugluk is, in fact, the direct heir of Snapkrakle-Popwe, the first elf to awake in Cuivienen and is the rightful ruler of all the Elvish kingdoms of Middle-Earth. Ugluk leads the hosts of the free peoples to the Black Gate, where they defeat the Sauronic hordes. After the victory, Ugluk arrives by Eagle at Mount Doom just in time to stop Frodo destroying the Ring and takes it from him. To Frodo's horror, she proclaims herself the rightful owner of the Ring and uses it to destroy the Black Tower and vanquish Sauron.

Because Ugluk's DNA now dates from before the forging of the Ring, she has complete mastery of it with no evil effects. She stops the waning of the Eldar, heals all the evil of Morgoth and Sauron, discovers the hiding place of the Entwives and manages to get the BBC to broadcast some decent programs on a Saturday Evening.


I will return soon with more exclusives - Namarie and Sayonara!

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